I did not wanted to pay attention to this feeling of unconfort and usually avoid it but I wasn't awared of how bad it affects me having a disfunctional family. I've been told that I have issues and I do, but what is interesting to me is that as I grow older, the level of discomfort raises. My childhood memories are supposed to be older but instead of getting back of my brain with time, they are right in the front above my eyes.
I didn't have a typical childhood or adolescence. I saw impossible to invite my friends home because there where always problems and lots of yelling, besides non of my friends liked my dad. They said he was so annoying, keeping track of everything we do. The truth is that sooner or later at some age we get ashamed of our parents for a stupid reason, but for circumstances I never stop that, and since it got worse since they divorced and I started living with my father when I was 14 years old.
Is like I excluded them from my world, so now it's obvious why my family has never been my priority, because I feel I don't have one. Sure I can talk to my mother on the phone and visit her every six months where she lives but what dissapoints me is that her and her family don't make the effort to get to know the people I love, what they don't realized is that they are making me feel more apart. Since I was a teen I have thought "If someday I get married I won't invite my parents", and It totally sucks because I say I don't care but I really care. Back at 2009 at my graduation of college, the same thing happened. My freaking family ruined everything. Since the very early morning I had to take the CLASS picture and he took me to school to do it, well started yelling at me for some camera, and kept yelling since we got home, of course he made me cried, so he decided not go to my ceremony to which I was happy, and at the Grad dance instead of being with my family, I was alone with my friend because my parents didn't want to feel unconfortable sitting by eachother. At my High School Prom night, the same thing happened, I went alone.
I feel like Beyonce's song "Me, myself and I", so that is why when I used to go to whichever boyfriend I had in the past, their mom's like me a lot, because I liked to spent time with them and the same to my friends's moms. I haven't had that female image of a mother more than half of my life maybe that is the reason why is hard for me to have female friends or my friendships and relationships are very weird.
Someone told me I shouldn't blame anyone for the person I've become, and I don't know if a do, probably yes, but I know is 75% of my responsability for sure for not caring and trying.
I hope I get to deal with these pretty soon.
1 comment:
Hi, I was perusing the net and by chance of life came to this page. I'll hold off any introductions because you can probably read my blog to discover a few things about me. At any rate, i wanted to write a few things down for the sake of writing something kind and heartfelt to a total stranger. This particular post hit a chord somewhere deep inside me...
I think the first step in facing any dilemma is understanding the problem itself. I sympathize with you... when things get hard we often look for something to blame... like a big shadow-- maybe our parents; maybe our underprivileged background; perhaps our childhood upbringing; our community; or even God himself. This world is a mean and nasty place that will bring us to our knees permanently if we allow it don't you think? I feel the bottom line in any worthwhile struggle is perseverance and goodwill. In regards to the past, I often recall how one of my past professors would say "life is partly a culmination of our past," I would eagerly refute his statement in debates, but in the end our discussions would boil down to something like we always maintain our connection to the past and yet eternally pull away from it-- for better or good. Speaking for myself, I find that forgiveness has absolutely no function in changing the past but it absolutely has the potential to change the future. Despite efforts in letting go of certain things from the past there are things that have clung to me all my life (both good and bad). Still, I wonder what the difference is between forgiving and accepting the wrongdoings in our past?
It's great that you're putting pieces together to arrive at an understanding of your present. Writing this paragraph brings a song to mind by Greg Holden entitled 'The Lost Boy."
OK, i could keep writing but then i'll probably start rambling about the connection between God, Destiny and how enjoyable it is to write while drinking Starbucks coffee. I do kinda' wish I had written this paragraph in Spanish but my Spanish grammar is laughable, i'm sort of a Spanglish speaker now- a product of both Mexican and American education.
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