me duele el corazoncito

Ayer recibí una mala noticia que me entristeció.  En el fondo siempre lo intuí desde niña, tenía algún tipo de certeza, pero quería evitar pensar en ello para no "atraerlo" ni que se hiciera realidad, aunque he escuchado que es temor de cualquier mujer y alguna vez les pasa por la cabeza. Es una noticia que no se como abordar y que me ha hecho pensar en hacer cambios drásticos y locuras que no son parte común de mi plan de vida.

Tengo casi 27 años y a partir de esto siento que se me viene el tiempo encima y que si quiero hacer desaparecer esto que me perturba, necesito abordar mi vida de una manera distinta.

No me cabe en la cabeza no poder pasar por eso que se da con tanta naturalidad para otras. Tengo miedo.

Ella llega cuando estoy cansada.

La inspiración para escribir llega en momentos inconvenientes, como cuando no tienes un bolígrafo o lápiz, y sí los tienes, no hay hojas, ni siquiera una servilleta.  Ayer me disponía a tomar una siesta antes de salir pero estaba tan agotada que me era imposible relajarme, mis pensamientos me atormentaban.  Aunque si soy sincera,  el tormento era positivo.  Se me estaban ocurriendo tantas cosas para escribir, mi mente cansada trabajaba bien en ese estado de intento de conciliación de sueño, pero fui demasiado floja para decidir levantarme y apuntar mis ideas y preferí aprovechar esa media hora de sueño.  Pensé: "Al rato lo recordaré",  and I didn't.

Al menos recargué un poco mis baterias.

I have Issues

I did not wanted to pay attention to this feeling of unconfort and usually avoid it but I wasn't awared of how bad it affects me having a disfunctional family.   I've been told that I have issues and I do, but what is interesting to me is that as I grow older, the level of discomfort raises. My childhood memories are supposed to be older but instead of getting back of my brain with time, they are right in the front above my eyes.

I didn't have a typical childhood or adolescence. I saw impossible to invite my friends home because there where always problems and lots of yelling, besides non of my friends liked my dad.  They said he was so annoying, keeping track of everything we do.  The truth is that sooner or later at some age we get ashamed of our parents for a stupid reason, but for circumstances I never stop that, and since it got worse since they divorced and I started living with my father when I was 14 years old.

Is like I excluded them from my world,  so now it's obvious why my family has never been my priority, because I feel I don't have one.  Sure I can talk to my mother on the phone and visit her every six months where she lives but what dissapoints me is that her and her family don't make the effort to get to know the people I love, what they don't realized is that they are making me feel more apart. Since I was a teen I have thought "If someday I get married I won't invite my parents", and It totally sucks because I say I don't care but I really care. Back at 2009 at my graduation of college, the same thing happened.  My freaking family ruined everything.  Since the very early morning I had to take the CLASS picture and he took me to school to do it, well started yelling at me for some camera, and kept yelling since we got home, of course he made me cried, so he decided not go to my ceremony to which I was happy, and at the Grad dance instead of being with my family, I was alone with my friend because my parents didn't want to feel unconfortable sitting by eachother.  At my High School Prom night, the same thing happened,  I went alone.

I feel like Beyonce's song "Me, myself and I", so that is why when I used to go to whichever boyfriend I had in the past, their mom's like me a lot, because I liked  to spent time with them and the same to my friends's moms.  I haven't had that female image of a mother more than half of my life maybe that is the reason why is hard for me to have female friends or my friendships and relationships are very weird.

Someone told me I shouldn't blame anyone for the person I've become, and I don't know if a do, probably yes, but I know is 75% of my responsability for sure for not caring and trying.

I hope I get to deal with these pretty soon.

Apoyo moral

Me hace gracia la respuesta de mis padres cuando les conté que entraría a clases de alemán:

"¿Alemán? uuum, y ¿Por qué, de qué te va a servir? Estudia inglés mejor"

Según sus experiencias de vida el inglés (idioma que domino) es el único idioma importante. Según mis experiencias de vida debo aprender alemán, portugués y francés.