The New Era

 The short stage of femme fatale is over. The Tower and the Death cards were telling me for weeks that something big was coming, a change, but honestly that is not was I was expecting.

 Today I'm beginning this new era that I don't know how many years will take me, and that is being a mother to my 82 year old father.

I can compare this situation to when a girlfriend tells you she’s pregnant with your baby... "Are you sure is mine?", "Is there anything else we can do about it?", absolute denial on my behalf.  

But last night, hearing my dad on the phone crying and telling me he is desperate and he doesn't know what else to do, that he is holding on to so many things because he doesn't want to be a burden, but he can take it any longer, he is in constant pain and that is the reason he is not able to sleep at night. It broke me.

What a selfish person I have been, delaying my responsibility until this point.  

He has ben a difficult person since I can remember, most of my traumas were probably caused by him, but he was also a present dad, loving and caring. I have no resentment, only love since he has been more in my life than my mom has, so today I'm taking ownership that he is now my baby and I will be the mom he lost at 8 years old.

My dad was born in Sinaloa, he had like 10 siblings (same mom and dad).  They were a prosperous family, they had a store, my grandma had a hair salon, the other part of the family had  buses like the ones from Greyhound but called GTB... they were financially stabled, but the truth is that my grandpa became an alcoholic and he turned violent, he had music and parties every night, his friends were always over drinking and playing domino, very difficult situation for the kids and for sure for grandma.

One day, my 8 year old dad came home and he saw a lot of suitcases above 2 cars and some of their siblings were already in the car. They told my dad that they were living and that my dad's suitcase was already above the car. He asked: "Are we leaving Dad by himself?" and nobody answered so he started asking one by one: "Are you going to stay?".  Nobody was.  Then my grandma came out of the house and told my dad to get in the car because they were leaving but he was devastated thinking about how his dad would feel so he said "I'm staying". My grandma coldly said: "Fine, please get your brother's suitcase off the car", they said goodbye and left. It was very late at night and my dad already in bed when he hard his dad arrived drunk and soon realized the silence in the house and begin calling everybody's names with no reply. My dad interrupted him and said: "Se fueron apá" (They left dad). Each one cried during the night on their own bed.

After that, my dad's life got worse as a kid, his dad was constantly drinking, not coming back home.  My dad would go out very late at night and look for his father in bars and get him out of there.  He would also have different women at home and sometimes offer to feed my little dad, but he would refused, he preferred to eat a piece of bread and drink a Coca-Cola before taking food from a woman that wasn't his mom. Sometimes while my dad was drinking with friends at home with loud music he would tell my dad to take care of the store. Dad told me that it was very late at night and he was so tired and that he would ask his dad that if he could close the store, but my grandpa said: "no, not yet, not yet, a little longer".

Eventually grandpa lost of his money, my dad grew up and at 17 he moved away to pursue a dream. 

With all these being said, I understand why my dad is as he is and though I'm pretty sure I am a lot like him and carrying these traumas, I forgive him and love him dearly.

Now that I think about it, I repeated the pattern. My parents separated when I was 12 years old. I knew we were leaving, my mom had all of our stuff ready to give him the news one September 16, 1998. My mom's friend was going to pick us up that day, and was on call.  When she told him, they called me in, and she asked me if I could stay with him but I said no. I was kind of offended (perfect millennial). How could she think she could leave me with him if he knew how he was.   We left.  2 years later thinking that my mom would come back after she paid everybody the money she owed, I decided to go back with my dad thinking I had to go a few months before school starts again to get all documents ready, so I left my mom at 14. She never came back.

I'm breaking the cycle and not letting my daughter to get away from me at least not for me, just if she wants to go away and experience the world.

Anyway,  I started this year focusing on me, me, me, losing weight, going to the gym, protein, healthy meals, beauty... I think is time to rearrange my priorities, and make the most of my dad's life for the rest of his days.

I'm wondering how difficult it will be, but also I get to connect with my spiritual being and trust the process, because at the end I know I'm not alone, I'm protected by God, angels and everything comes to me easily, God provides, I just have to listen in deeper, do my meditations and reconnect with the higher self.

I'm accepting this new phase with love and care.

Queen of Emotional Withdrawal

Megalomania doesn't  match my standards.

If you mess it up once, is forgotten

If you mess it up a second time it is forgiven

but by the third time, you are dead to me. 

I already knew Geminis' suck but guess what dear, I'm Taurus, the queen of emotional withdrawal.

Advice

 Sometimes you must stop listening to your friends and start listening to your intuition.  I can feel a big change coming soon and I need to hold space for whatever that might bring.

It's a Quentin

 I can help you to understand yourself. Is it difficult to let your guard down right?

How do I know plenty about it? I was raised by a narcissist. 

(Thank you Dad)

Synchronicities

 I thought I put this person to to sleep on a drawer, lock it with my memory key and that my process was completed. Somehow it keeps popping into my dreams randomly.

January 1st,  I woke up realizing I had a dream with Mrs. Penguin.  I was outside a house, on the driveway and she gets out the house with a folded blanket in her arms and she says "Finally! this is yours", like she was okay with returning it now.   I picked up the blanket that I let her borrow a long time ago (at least that is how it felt) and left after a hug.   Same day at night I saw something on FB that one of her daughters was celebrating with her,  I realized it was her Birthday. 

Next Day, I dream with Penguin Jr, like I could see you the body but the ghost couldn't see me. I sensed sadness, mourning a loss. 

And 3 weeks earlier I dreamt about being at my old grandma's house, the low ceilings, the dark room, the closet and a lot of family members, then all of the sudden it popped into my dream, no talking, Penguin Jr. couldn't see me, but I could see him standing there in between the family members that were listening to a grandma's story, but he looked lost, but I couldn't help, it was like a blurry video in black and white and then it disappear.

January 2nd, I wat taking a look my my Google photos looking for one in particular from my daughter, so just scrolling up and down for quite a bit, then I suddenly stopped at a picture,  baby Pily being held by one of our family members, that we haven't seen in a long time, one of the elders, I loved it, and I thought of sharing it to the family chat group but I let it go after staring at it with joy.  That uncle past away that night and I was not expecting it.

This other morning while I was washing the dishes I was watching Youtube too and this random girl  was talking about "The Red book", this is the first time I think I heard of it.  Then afterwards,  I sat down on the couch and started watching "My Other Self" on Netflix and the first scene I see is the leading Role "Ada" on her bed reading this same book.

No se siente diferente mi imaginación de  lo que si se hace realidad, es cómo si tuviera pequeños adelantos, pero no se sienten especiales.  Como la noche que se incendió el departamento de al lado del de mi padre y el de abajo... tuve varios avisos:

1. Escuché una canción muy ñoña que me pone de muy buen humor cuando quiero empezar algo (Fuego de Bomba Estéreo), pero esa dia detuve la canción porque sentía que iba a atraer bad vibes.

 2. Luego fui a dejar a mi papá a su depa esa tarde y mientras se bajaba del carro, vi al fondo mucho humo de un incendio que se veía muy detrás de Ícono y me impactó un poco.   

3. Como a las 9 de la noche estuve pensando en lo que debería de hacer en caso de un incendio, salida de emergencia, y me preocupé mucho por mi papi y pedí para que me lo cuidará mucho Diosito y los angelitos.

Como a las 11pm recibí la llamada de mi papá. Los bomberos le quebraron el vidrio y lo sacaron porque estaba dormidísimo y no escuchaba que le tocaban la puerta para que evacuara.   Gracias a Dios su departamento quedo intacto, pero si se incendiaron parcialmente 2 depas.

And so it is!